Congress Considers Bailout for Detroit Lions (Satire)

November 23, 2008

The article is funny because the logic is in many ways similar to the actual auto bailout given that there is no such thing as a free lunch. (Somebody must pay for it.)

From CarbolicSmokeBall (fake news site):

WASHINGTON, DC – Congressional leaders of both parties huddled behind closed doors on Capitol Hill today in an attempt to work out a bailout package for the Detroit Lions. Items being discussed include giving the Lions a four touchdown lead prior to kickoff in all remaining games, forcing Lions’ opponents to play at least one half of each game wearing blindfolds, and taking the best players from teams enjoying a bye week and adding them to the Lions’ roster.

Detroit owner William Clay Ford, who was observed leaving the Senate office building with Democratic Majority leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada), told reporters that any one of those options would be helpful. “Not a cure-all, for sure, but a good start.”

By late yesterday, a deal appeared imminent. “We’re hopeful we’ll be able to reach an agreement soon,” said Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-California). “But it is doubtful we’ll be able to have anything in place before Thanksgiving Day.”

Speaker Pelosi’s remarks sent the nation’s football fans into a panic, as the prospect of another Detroit collapse on national television appeared certain. The Lions, who have not won a game all year, are scheduled to play the Tennessee Titans, who have not lost a game this year.

White House spokesman Dana Perino said the President would sign any legislation that would keep Detroit afloat, at least for the remainder of the season.

“The failure of Detroit to remain competitive is a failure the American people cannot abide. We’ve got to give them the tools to succeed.”

Maybe a more valid comparison could be to the University of Michigan football program this year given its subpar performance. Wolverine fans have always had a sense of entitlement to be a winner, in a way that is similar to the entitlement that many auto workers in the state have felt for decades.

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