Governor Wonders if Bad Tax Policy Has Something to Do with Bad Economy

April 01, 2008

After learning that yet another large employer was closing its doors, the Governor of Wismichigillinoserseyania was overheard brainstorming with an aide about possible causes.

"I'll admit our tax code isn't that friendly to the individuals who create jobs," pondered Governor Doyrendholmzinejevich. "Could that be the reason that all the individuals who create jobs stay away from our state?"

Among the features of the state's tax code are the sales tax, which requires a book to understand the exemptions inserted by special interests; the state's corporate income tax, which is higher than that of France and Japan; and the state's individual income tax, which is designed to drive high-income earners across state borders.

"I've followed all the good advice," the Governor lamented. "We impose every major tax and have high rates on high earners. We hand out subsidies to politically powerful industries, and offer gimmicks like sales tax holidays to trick people into thinking tax burdens aren't that high."

The Governor also reflected on the state's services, which cost a huge amount but actually are pretty mediocre. "We spend like water on roads and education," he noted. "Doesn't everyone support free iPods for students, taxes on bottled water, video games, and arbitrarily designated "windfall profits," and shaking down out-of-state companies on the state line?"

The Governor's admission came after graduation ceremonies at the University of Wismichigillinoserseyania, which is made up mostly of out-of-state students taking advantage of low tuition rates. A poll of graduates found that most graduating students would be moving out of the state to find jobs elsewhere.

"We love the tax system here," said a representative of Out-of-State Movers.

A governor from a bordering state agreed.

"Our federalist system means that states can choose to offer inviting tax climates or punitive ones," said the Governor of Delaflornevianashire. "I firmly support their decision. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go to a couple of office park ribbon cuttings this evening."

Despite the several minutes of reflection, Governor Doyrendholmzinejevich eventually dismissed his concerns.

"All those experts couldn't possibly give us advice designed to worsen our tax climates, right? Hey, why don't we exempt edible pumpkins from the sales tax, but not decorative pumpkins?"

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